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Category: Humor

1

Fine Print from the Experts

signcontract.jpgThose wacky contracts professors over at the AALS’s contracts section have appended the following bit of boilerplate to their website:

IMPORTANT SMALL PRINT LEGAL DISCLAIMER

This web site is a forum for the exchange of information and points of view. Opinions expressed here are not necessarily those of the Section on Contracts or of the Association of American Law Schools, which when you think about it are really only reified abstractions that have no independent existence and therefore can’t really have any “opinions” about anything at all, so we’re not sure why we have to say this. All statements herein are the sole responsibility of the authors, except for any that are inaccurate, irresponsible, tasteless, or actionable, which are solely the responsibility of student editorial assistants who are working as independent contractors and for whom we will accept absolutely no responsibility whatsoever. There are no warranties, either express or implied, for the use of this site. Nothing on this site should be taken as legal advice, since only an idiot would take free legal advice on an important issue from the casual musings of a law professor instead of paying a practicing lawyer who actually knows the law of the jurisdiction you’re in. Any disputes arising as a result of your use of this site shall be decided by arbitration under the rules of the International Chamber of Commerce in Japan, unless you happen to be somewhere in or near Japan, in which case it shall be decided in Belgium. Your reading of this provision signifies your assent to all its terms.

I will leave the analysis of its legal effect to the academics, although I would be happy to offer an opinion for a reasonable fee…

(Hat tip to Ben Davis for pointing this out.)

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How to Be an Industry Lobbyist

Chris Hoofnagle has a humorous post about industry lobbyist arguments in the consumer privacy arena:

Ever wanted to be an industry-side lobbyist? You can learn the basics right here on choof.org!

I’ve made the entry to your new career simple with this privacy industry deck of cards. These cards articulate all the arguments you need to make your case, without actually knowing anything. Master these arguments, and you too could be a high-paid lobbyist for almost any tech industry.

9

Judge Moore and the Motion to Kiss My Ass

lawbooks300x200.jpgJustice Sandra Day O’Connor once told students at Stanford Law School how annoying she finds it to be woken up at night with an emergency application to stay an execution.

District court judges receive lots of frivolous filings. Normally, they are dealt with in a simple order denying relief and nobody hears much about them. Sometimes, a more stringent response is needed.

I recently came across a 1996 opinion by District Court Judge William T. Moore of Georgia prohibiting Matthew Washington, a pro se inmate, from filing any future lawsuits or motions in any district court unless he first posted a contempt bond of $1,500. The bond would be returned after the adjudication of the case if Washington’s conduct throughout complied with the federal rules. In addition, before Washington could proceed in any matter, a judge would conduct a preliminary review to ensure the filing was not frivolous.

What prompted these measures? Washington had filed a civil rights suit against various judges, including Judge Moore. Pursuant to that lawsuit, Washington filed a “Motion to Kiss My Ass” in which he moved “all Americans at large and one corrupt Judge Smith to kiss my got damn ass sorry mother fucker you.” Judge Moore ordered Washington to demonstrate why he should not be sanctioned. Washington ignored the judge’s order. Judge Moore dismissed the lawsuit and imposed the above restrictions on further litigation.

This incident apparently followed a long history of Mr. Washington’s courthouse antics.

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This one takes the cake

The Co-Op has a long and glorious tradition of blogging about public sex. We’ve posted about sex tapes. About Jennifer Aniston nudity. And about the privacy implications of students who have sex in front of an open window (and are photographed doing so).

But the latest blog story truly takes the cake. Blogger Scott Kaufmann recounts his uniquely interesting morning. The tale begins:

ME: Do do do do WHOA!

HALF-NAKED COUPLE IN MY OFFICE: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

ME: What?

HALF-NAKED FEMALE: DON’T YOU KNOCK? (putting shirt back on)

I don’t even know where to begin with this one. Perhaps we should turn seek the opinion of our resident privacy advocate. Dan, does an amorous couple have a reasonable expectation of privacy if they choose to have sex in a faculty member’s office? I think Professor Kaufmann’s actions may have put an unreasonable damper on their free speech and expression.

20

Weird E-Bay Auction

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Via one of my contracts students, I found this bizarre ebay auction. The winning bidder paid $611.00 for the following item [emphasis added]

This is the PREMIUM BUNDLE BOX only. It would include bonus accessories, if it were the actual PREMIUM XBOX 360! DOES NOT Come with 20GB Hard Drive, Console, HD Cables, Wireless Controller, Headset! In other words for those of you who do not understand, YES YOU ARE GETTING AN EMPTY BOX SO DO NOT ASK! Great for gags! DO NOT bid if you don’t intend to buy! No excuses, I will not retract bids for you! You will be reported to eBay if you backout after winning the auction. I Cannot be more clear! This is not even a factory made xbox 360 box. I made it myself, just a few minutes ago. It does not contain an Xbox 360 console, just the Xbox 360 home-made box. this box is great hand made by me says XBOX right on it[.] It doesn’t look anything like the picture I included in the auction. It looks much better, in my opinion.

The student (rightly) noted that a disappointed buyer would have a hard time making out a fraud claim. Other defenses and excuses (mistake, unconscionability, no meeting of the minds, etc.), seem similarly problematic. The only possible wriggle-room I can think of – if the buyer does in fact feel aggreived when she or he receives the empty box – is that the auction history seems to bear some marks of puffing.

So, I guess someone is getting a $600+ empty box (not even an XBox Box!) under the tree, or by the menorah, this holiday season. They better appreciate it.

2

FBI Virus

fbi1.bmpI just got a humorous virus email. It’s from admin@fbi.gov with this message:

Dear Sir/Madam,

we have logged your IP-address on more than 30 illegal Websites.

Important:

Please answer our questions!

The list of questions are attached.

Yours faithfully,

Steven Allison
Federal Bureau of Investigation -FBI-
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW, Room 3220
Washington, DC 20535
phone: (202) 324-3000

Of course, the list of questions attached is a file containing a virus. I’m dying to see the questions, but alas . . . my email program stripped out the virus-laden file.

8

Weird Searches for Our Blog

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I recently blogged about where hits to our blog come from, and one of the major sources of hits to a blog are searches via Google and other search engines. In our site meter stats, you can see what search terms people use to visit our blog. I’ve looked at these on occasion, curious about what brings people to our blog.

Most of the very common search terms are obvious –- “opinions,” “concurring,” “law,” “legislating,” and “paparazzi.” But then there’s also “naked” and “celebrity” –- we have Kaimi to thank for that, as he posted a post entitled “Naked celebrities make the best magazine covers” about a ranking of the best magazine covers of the past 40 years, with the nude John Lennon and nude Demi Moore covers as #1 and #2 respectively.

Here are some of the more interesting searches I discovered:


SEARCH: Contents of the Dead Man’s Pocket

I have no idea what this is possibly about or how it led a reader to our blog.


SEARCH: aals meat

This one’s my fault – I posted on the AALS meat market.


SEARCH: chemical changes that of apple without a peep

Huh?


SEARCH: peep shows

My fault – I named a post Airline X-Ray Peep Shows.


SEARCH: FREE NAKED PEEP SHOWS

I’m certain that this person was very disappointed upon learning my post was about airline screening X-rays.


SEARCH: Unbeknown to you the sun has jumped the gun

Totally baffling!


SEARCH: humorous curses

I have no idea what post this linked to, but perhaps I don’t want to know . . .

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Rocks, SOX, and roundhouse kicks

As all securities lawyers know, the Sarbanes-Oxley Act introduced new provisions relating to codes of ethics. Section 406 of the Act requires that companies disclose whether they have a code of ethics for their senior financial officers, and if not, the reason why not. This has led many companies to adopt codes of ethics.

I don’t think that the market has realized how simple this requirement actually is. As with most other areas of life, the best course here is simply to follow the guidance of Chuck Norris. To make this easier, Chuck has provided a clear list of “Chuck’s Code of Ethics.” (link via sharp-eyed reader Steve Evans). A company simply needs to adopt the list wholesale, and it can’t go wrong. chuck-ethics.jpg

What does Chuck’s code provide? A few highlights:

“I will develop myself to the maximum of my potential in all ways.

I will forget the mistakes of the past and press on to greater achievements.

I will always be in a positive frame of mind and convey this feeling to every person that I meet. . .”

Does Chuck’s code meet the requirements of Item 406 of Reg S-K? You might as well ask, “Does Chuck Norris have a beard?”

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