Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

The Devil’s Dictionary on Civil Justice

posted by Gerard Magliocca

LITIGATION, n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.

  October 16, 2011 at 9:30 pm   Posted in: Humor   Print This Post   2 Comments

The Devil’s Dictionary on Occupy Wall Street

posted by Gerard Magliocca

Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.

  October 9, 2011 at 1:24 pm   Posted in: Humor   Print This Post   9 Comments

I Suppose That This Is One Way of Putting That . . .

posted by Gerard Magliocca

From a Masters thesis about John Bingham written in the 1950s:

“Though active as a lawyer-politician, Bingham did not neglect his conjugal duties.”  [The paragraph then goes on to describe his children.]

That’s not a turn of phrase that I plan to use.

  October 7, 2011 at 4:03 pm   Posted in: Humor   Print This Post   4 Comments

Joke of the Day: Neutrinos

posted by Lawrence Cunningham

Scientists were quick to mint a practical application for the new theoretical research in nuclear physics about speed:
 
“We don’t allow faster-than-light neutrinos in here,” says the bartender.
A neutrino walks into a bar.

 

 

Hat Tip: Dinah Shelton

  September 26, 2011 at 4:55 am   Posted in: Humor   Print This Post   3 Comments

The Devil’s Dictionary On Politics

posted by Gerard Magliocca

CONSERVATIVE, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.

  September 25, 2011 at 1:15 pm   Posted in: Humor, Uncategorized   Print This Post   3 Comments

The Devil’s Dictionary

posted by Gerard Magliocca

After two-and-a-half years, I’ve decided that it’s time to retire the “Yes, Minister/Yes, Prime Minister” posts.  I think that there’s nothing left to mine from that series.  Don’t fret though–I’m going to start using quotes from “The Devil’s Dictionary” by Ambrose Bierce. (If you’ve never read this, you should.)  So let’s start with an obvious one:

LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.

  September 18, 2011 at 11:03 am   Posted in: Humor   Print This Post   No Comments

Rorschach Test

posted by Gerard Magliocca

The British Parliament is full of quirks, and one that I find rather charming involves the names given to particular parliaments that were notable for some reason.  My favorite name is the “Lack-Learning, Unlearned, or Dunces Parliament,” which met in 1404 and (by command of the Crown) stipulated that “no lawyers should be returned as Members.”

Whether you think the name or the stipulation makes more sense tells you a lot about how you think.

  August 9, 2011 at 10:32 am   Posted in: Humor   Print This Post   No Comments

In Honor of the Heritage Foundation’s Report on America’s Luxuriating Poor

posted by Frank Pasquale

Some writers, like George Packer, still wring their hands over the fate of America’s impoverished. Others are worried about their cash-flow problems. But the Heritage Foundation reports that, in fact, the U.S. poor have it lucky. Air-conditioned, car-driving people have no idea what real suffering is

Hat Tip: David Atkins and MiniMencken. (I’ve also written a bit on the relative magnitude of domestic and international inequality, and wage disparities.)

  July 21, 2011 at 4:11 pm   Posted in: Humor   Print This Post   One Comment

“Yes, Prime Minister” on Government Spending

posted by Gerard Magliocca

“The Treasury does not work out what it needs and then think how to raise the money.  It pitches for as much as it can get away with and then thinks how to spend it.”

Sir Humphrey Appleby

  July 19, 2011 at 10:47 pm   Posted in: Humor   Print This Post   No Comments

“Yes, Prime Minister” on Political Brinksmanship

posted by Gerard Magliocca

(Discussing nuclear deterrence of the Soviet Union)

PM Jim Hacker:  I don’t want to obliterate the whole of eastern Europe.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:  It’s a deterrent.

The PM:  It’s a bluff.  I probably won’t use it.

Sir Humphrey:  Yes, but they don’t know that you probably wouldn’t.

The PM:  They probably do.

Sir Humphrey:  Yes, they probably know that you probably wouldn’t.  But they can’t certainly know.

The PM:  They probably certainly know that I probably wouldn’t.

Sir Humphrey:  Yes, but even though they probably certainly know that you probably wouldn’t, they don’t certainly know that, although you probably wouldn’t, there is no probability that you certainly would.

  July 2, 2011 at 5:49 pm   Posted in: Humor   Print This Post   No Comments

Parliamentary Procedure

posted by Gerard Magliocca

I took a tour of the House of Lords and the House of Commons today, and the guide insisted that I could not wear a hat inside the Palace of Westminster.  (Those damn Americans–we never show any respect!)

Anyway, I thought I’d share this classic exchange from about twenty years ago that I found in a book at the gift shop:

MP for Knutsford:  I am not raising a point of order, Mr. Speaker.  I am raising a point of order on points of order that are not points of order.

The SPEAKER:  Points of order on points of order that are not points of order are not points of order.

  June 25, 2011 at 10:34 am   Posted in: Humor, Uncategorized   Print This Post   No Comments

Another Day, Another Sexting Politician

posted by Ari Waldman

My first reaction to Congressman Anthony Weiner’s admission was, “Oh… my… god!” My second reaction was to laugh — no matter how old we men get, we are all still 12 year old boys inside — and think of a post filled with double entendre. My third reaction was to wonder what this deeply unfortunate story means for tech law.

(NOTE: Any double entendre is purely unintentional! My mother reads these things!).

Brooklyn Congressman Anthony Weiner, a man I have had the opportunity to meet and even challenge to running race, first alleged that his Twitter account had been hacked, then maintained that he did not send the tweet but the image could have been of him and then, finally and mercifully, admitted that he sent the tweet and was carrying on “inappropriate relationships” with “several” women that he met online. Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi has called for an ethics investigation, conservative pundits are calling for the Congressman’s head and the rest of us are probably unmoved. We live in a world where Eric Massa, Christopher Smith, Mark Foley and so many other politicians are sexually crazed and hooked into a virtual world they either do not understand or are simply too arrogant to care about.

Weinergate has obvious lessons on the perils of throwing no caution to the wind regarding your Internet presence. It also reminds us that some men in power tend to lose their grip on reality. But, you do not have to be in Congress to be victimized by careless, stupid digital behavior.

If one divorcing spouse wanted to prove infidelity, perhaps as part of denying a 50/50 split of marital assets, text messages, emails and self-taken photographs on the other spouses cell phone, Twitter history and email inbox may be fair game. Just last year, a New York state judge in part used evidence of a man’s sexually charged conversations with various women online to deny him child custody. Notably, there had been no evidence that this man ever met any of these women in person or committed any sexual act. He messaged them online, adding jpegs of himself. Another judge in New Hampshire refused to use evidence of a divorcing spouse’s virtual interactions without evidence of an actual affair outside the digital universe. Family court judges have wide latitude in this area, but what are your thoughts about these cases?

Outside of the family law context, lewd online behavior can trigger morality clauses in contracts. Assuming for the moment that morality clauses — provisions in contracts that restrict certain elements of or behaviors in a party’s personal life — are even enforceable, sending a lewd photograph of yourself to “several” women with whom you are having “inappropriate relationship[s]” could be grounds for dismissal.

The operative question is whether evidence of digital hanky-panky, without even a hint of actual infidelity or inappropriateness in real life, is enough wrongdoing in these and other contexts. It seems incongruous to simultaneously recognize the pervasiveness and salience of digital interaction today and still diminish the importance of digital inappropriate behavior below face-to-face conduct. We are both virtual and physical beings now. Excusing a person’s bad conduct in the former simply because it happened through packets of 1′s and 0′s on the Internet seems antiquated and a recipe for a blind spot in social norms.

  June 6, 2011 at 7:43 pm   Posted in: Culture, Current Events, Cyberlaw, Humor, Technology, Web 2.0   Print This Post   6 Comments

The Six Stages of Scandal

posted by Gerard Magliocca

Congressman Anthony Weiner’s “problem” on Twitter calls for an encore of this chestnut (that I borrowed from Mickey Kaus):

Stage 1:  That’s ridiculous.  It can’t possibly be true.

Stage 2:  It’s not true.

Stage 3:  You can’t prove it’s true.

Stage 4:  Why are you trying to prove it’s true?

Stage 5:  It’s disgusting that you proved it’s true.

Stage 6:  What’s the big deal anyway?

  May 31, 2011 at 7:07 pm   Posted in: Humor   Print This Post   One Comment

Beauty in the Eyes of the Beheld

posted by Frank Pasquale

Appearances can be deceiving. Media can easily make people appear worse or better than they actually look. Certain tacos may seem meatier than they are; others falsely flaunt meatlessness. The “beauty retouch mode on the new Panasonic Lumix DMC-FP7 camera” is now bringing image massaging to the masses. Soon every picture will be a glamour shot.

But what to do with contested features, which can be interpreted in different ways by different audiences? For example, some may find bloodshot eyes frightening; others see them as evidence of heroically hard work. Science has an answer: do a study. And new research conclusively shows that red eyes are “associated with the sad, unhealthy and unattractive:”

This is the first study to demonstrate that eye redness is perceived as a cue of emotion. . . . “Standards of beauty vary across cultures, however, youth and healthiness are always in fashion because they are associated with reproductive fitness,” said [lead author Dr. Robert R.] Provine. “Traits such as long, lustrous hair and smooth or scar-free skin are cues of youth and offer the beholder a partial record of health.

Now clear eye whites join these traits as a universal standard for the perception of beauty and a cue of health and reproductive fitness. Given this discovery, eye drops that ‘get the red out’ can be considered beauty aids.”

I am glad that’s settled. But perhaps, ala Jonah Lerner, the study authors should concede that an artist got there first. Namely, Hank Penny’s classic “Don’t Roll Those Bloodshot Eyes At Me” (including the immortal lines, “Your eyes look like a roadmap/I’m scared to smell your breath”). Score one for consilience!

Image Credit: Coleend.

  April 19, 2011 at 10:46 pm   Posted in: Culture, Humor, Just for Fun   Print This Post   No Comments

“Yes, Prime Minister” on Financial Scandals

posted by Gerard Magliocca

Sir Desmond Glazebrook: They’ve broken the rules.

Sir Humphrey: What, you mean the insider trading regulations?

Sir Desmond Glazebrook: No.

Sir Humphrey: Oh. Well, that’s one relief.

Sir Desmond Glazebrook: I mean of course they’ve broken those, but they’ve broken the basic, the basic rule of the City.

Sir Humphrey: I didn’t know there were any.

Sir Desmond Glazebrook: Just the one. If you’re incompetent you have to be honest, and if you’re crooked you have to be clever. See, if you’re honest, then when you make a pig’s breakfast of things the chaps rally round and help you out.

Sir Humphrey: If you’re crooked?

Sir Desmond Glazebrook: Well, if you’re making good profits for them, chaps don’t start asking questions; they’re not stupid. Well, not that stupid.

Sir Humphrey: So the ideal is a firm which is honest and clever.

Sir Desmond Glazebrook: Yes. Let me know if you ever come across one, won’t you.

  April 19, 2011 at 8:57 am   Posted in: Humor   Print This Post   No Comments

Scientists Report Lack of Evidence for Health Benefits of Parachutes

posted by David Gray

Here.

  March 28, 2011 at 8:36 am   Posted in: Humor, Just for Fun   Print This Post   No Comments

A Little Joie de Vivre for an Almost-Spring Day

posted by David Gray

I’ll post something a more serious in a bit, but for the moment I am feeling spring, Zaz, and Ani Difranco.

  March 4, 2011 at 10:41 am   Posted in: Feminism and Gender, Humor, Just for Fun   Print This Post   One Comment

The Opposite of Dog Eat Dog

posted by Lawrence Cunningham

At a Faculty Meeting years ago, our distingished new Dean, who’d been Dean elsewhere, President of a University, and CEO in the private sector, began by saying how people often ask him: “What’s the difference between the academic world and the corporate world?” 

The Dean said he replied: “In the corporate world, it’s DOG EAT DOG, whereas in the academic world, it is exactly the other way around.”  Those assembled at the Faculty Meeting laughed knowingly.

Just as the guffaws died out, my great and wonderful friend, a learned faculty member, and former Dean,  quipped: “Do you mean, in academia, it’s GOD EAT GOD?”  Louder knowing laughter erupted and I still laugh about it today.

Academia can be a wonderful place. Yet it’s no Ivory Tower and can be viscious , especially for younger scholars, doing graduate work at elite institutions.  It usually gets better but it can be tough later too. 

There are many ways to cope. One is remembering to research and write for yourself, in the first instance, not to please or even influence others.  Of course, it can be rewarding to have those effects and, especially, to be cited favorably, but that usually comes in due course.

Keeping a sense of humor and some sobriety about also helps.  Whenever I hear about the lion cages of graduate study, or vexing insecurity during early years of untenured appointments, I share the foregoing memorable scene.

  January 19, 2011 at 1:09 pm   Posted in: Humor, Just for Fun, Law School (Teaching), Law Student Discussions, Law Talk   Print This Post   No Comments

Tea Partier New Year’s Resolutions

posted by Lawrence Cunningham

Heard around town amid the blizzard, some top New Year’s Resolutions Tea Party members are considering this year.

1. Get education by home schooling or charter schools, not public schools—skip the Department of Education at all governmental levels.

2. Buy all medicine in Canada, not in the United States—skip the Food and Drug Administration and government-sanctioned patent laws.

3. Never fly commercial—take only charter flights and beat not only the crowds but the Federal Aviation Administration.

4. Buy all guns in interior states—minimize oversight by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.

5. Conduct all political activities using a 501(c) to avoid public disclosure of political activity and regulation by the Federal Election Commission.

6. Submit all legal disputes to binding private arbitration—never use public courts.

7. Take advantage of all off-shore opportunities, especially tax shelters, to minimize payments to the Internal Revenue Service.

8. Raise financial capital using private equity, not an IPO—skip regulation by the Securities and Exchange Commission.

9. Use off-balance sheet financing as much as possible—skip adherence to statements of the Financial Accounting Standards Board.

10. Guard US citizenship jealously—subject immigrants to strict oversight and law enforcement by the U.S. Border Patrol.

Privatizing life has never been easier!

  December 27, 2010 at 4:42 pm   Posted in: Humor, Weird   Print This Post   13 Comments

The Irish Bailout

posted by Gerard Magliocca

AP — November 22, 2010

Hundreds of leprechauns gathered in front of the Irish Parliament today to demand a share of the IMF bailout currently being negotiated by the Government. Under a rainbow sky, they told a crowd of supporters that without more pots and gold, they would have to leave the country to seek greener pastures.

“We’re Ireland’s most important cultural export,” said Tip Erary, one of the wee leaders of the protest.  ”We make shoes, grant wishes, and appear in a movie with Jennifer Aniston.  Who deserves a rescue package more than us?”

Economists and pundits are divided over the LARP proposal.  Paul Krugman argued on his blog that “Keynes would approve of taking leprechaun gold and burying it to create jobs for treasure hunters.  We really should be nationalizing these monsters, not giving them a handout.” Glenn Beck countered that they are “hoarding the gold that I told you to buy” and called for an investigation into Woodrow Wilson’s policy on leprechauns.  Finally, Larry Kudlow said that only a tax cut would get these folks to shift from shoe production into more productive investment.

  November 23, 2010 at 8:24 pm   Posted in: Humor   Print This Post   2 Comments

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