A New Federal Bailout
posted by Gerard Magliocca
I wrote this for some friends during the original congressional hearings on GM in November. Given the news of today, I figured it was worth a rerun
:
AP: Washington, DC. — Santa Claus was greeted with deep skepticism on Capitol Hill this afternoon as he told members of Congress that he could not fund operations for the remainder of the year without federal assistance.
“Global warming created a real estate bubble in the North Pole that has burst,” Santa explained. “Now my elves are under water and under water on their houses too.” Aggressive cost-cutting steps, such as selling reindeer and reducing mall appearances, have failed to stem the tide of red ink.
In an emotional plea for support, Santa told lawmakers that his bankruptcy would lead to a devastating loss of jobs in the tree, stocking, and toy industries. In addition, “millions of crying children would deal a devastating blow to the nation’s morale at a time when we need some cheer.”
Senator Christopher Dodd, chair of the Senate Finance Committee, demanded more information on the Claus method for handing out gifts. “You say that you keep track of who is naughty and nice,” Dodd asked, “but I think this committee has a right to know how you get that information and make those determinations.”
Senator Richard Shelby, the ranking Republican on the committee, was critical of Santa’s business plan and wondered, “How will taxpayers benefit from funding an operation that gives gifts away for free?” When Santa responded that he got “millions of cookies every year” that could act as collateral, the Senator did not seem impressed.
Other members were just as hostile. One asked why Santa had relocated all of his operations outside of the United States. “In exchange for any bailout,” this Senator said, “I think you should pledge to hire American elves.” Another complained that all she got when she was a kid was a lump of coal, and that it took guts for Santa to come begging for help now.
Similar sentiments greeted Santa in the House. When told that he had flown to the hearings in a private sleigh, Congressman Brad Sherman of California was livid. “Couldn’t you have taken a dog sled? My constituents are having a hard time understanding that.” Another called for a federal investigation of Santa’s repeated break-ins at American homes over the years, which she described as “an outrageous invasion of our privacy.”
The atmosphere of the hearings was best summed up by Congressman Barney Frank, who informed Santa that he’d need to develop a better plan and return to Congress in a week. “What the American people see here is a fat and bloated operation that needs to be trimmed,” Frank said, “and I’m not just talking about you.”
June 1, 2009 at 7:33 pm
Posted in: Humor, Uncategorized
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