All I Really Need To Know…
posted by Chimene Keitner
Many thanks to Concurring Opinions for the invitation to blog this month, even if my creating this “electronic paper trail” could significantly complicate the process of completing an application for a job in the Obama administration! I look forward to the opportunity to offer thoughts on a variety of current topics, particularly those with international implications. Today, I thought I’d start on the lighter side and closer to home, with a post inspired by Robert Fulghum’s 1988 blockbuster, All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten. As the parent of a toddler, I’ve noticed that fundamental advocacy and negotiation skills seem to develop even earlier. So, courtesy of our three-year-old, here is a quick refresher on negotiations for those who find themselves making deals in the new year, followed by some reflections on law and governance…
Never accept the other side’s opening bid. Our son’s negotiating behavior epitomizes the idiom “nothing ventured, nothing gained.” Without missing a beat, he inevitably counters our “one story and then bed” with an emphatic “no, two,” holding up two fingers for emphasis. In the worst case, he will end up with only one bedtime story. And if he’s lucky, he’ll get more.
Preempt criticism that your offer is unreasonable by highlighting your own self-restraint. Our son routinely frames his requests in terms of what he is not asking. So a typical request for five more minutes of playing trains before bedtime goes something like this: “Not 10 minutes. Only 5 minutes. OK?”
Demonstrate your willingness to accommodate the other side’s agenda, without abandoning your own. This technique requires walking a fine line between persistence and intransigence in order to keep the discussion going while moving the outcome in your preferred direction. Instead of flatly refusing a proposed sequence, such as “let’s go to the gym, then have lunch, then have a quiet time, then go to the birthday party,” our son will propose, “no, I have an idea. First play trains, then go to the gym, then go shopping, then have lunch, then go to the birthday party.” The ball is then back in our court to show whether we’re equally capable of being accommodating, or whether we’re really just dictators in disguise.
And, once an agreement has been reached:
Be prepared to enforce the agreement, if necessary through appeals to reputation and fairness. Before a recent trip into downtown San Francisco, we promised our son a ride on the BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) train. As it turns out, it was more convenient for us to take him for a quick trip on a MUNI (Municipal Railway) train. He enjoyed the trip, but reminded us when we disembarked that we still owed him a ride on the BART train: “Remember we talked about it at home. You said we could go on the BART train. I want to go on the BART train.” Lest readers conclude that we are hopeless pushovers as parents, we did not in fact follow up with a ride on the BART train that day. But we know we owe him one.
Our combined collection of advanced degrees is no match for our toddler’s tactics as we strive to create rules with some legitimacy and compliance pull based on collective deliberation among stakeholders rather than blind authoritarianism. At the end of the day, our word is law, regardless of its jurisprudential origin. But we remain committed, as much as possible, to governing by the power of reason rather than the force of arms. Will our attempts to cultivate buy-in have any effect in forestalling popular uprising and demands for regime change? We hope so, at least for now—but we recognize all bets are off once our toddler becomes a teenager!
January 5, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Posted in: Humor
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Responses (4)
Frank - January 5, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Hilarious! Welcome, Chimene!
Hillel Levin - January 5, 2009 at 8:17 pm
Oh boy, have we experienced this!
Don’t forget the power of knowing your opponents’ week spots and being willing to exploit them; figuring out how to drive a wedge between your opponents; and the simple art of persistence.
Our older two kids are expert in all of these techniques, and they are busy laying the groundwork for their 11 month old sister to join their side.
Looking forward to your posts, Chimene!
Hillel Levin - January 5, 2009 at 8:17 pm
Oh boy, have we experienced this!
Don’t forget the power of knowing your opponents’ week spots and being willing to exploit them; figuring out how to drive a wedge between your opponents; and the simple art of persistence.
Our older two kids are expert in all of these techniques, and they are busy laying the groundwork for their 11 month old sister to join their side.
Looking forward to your posts, Chimene!
Jaya Ramji-Nogales - January 6, 2009 at 9:44 am
Welcome, Chimene!! Some fun for us to look forward to
. It’s great to have you on board.
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