Notice of Privacy Practices
posted by Daniel Solove
A friend recently asked why we don’t have a privacy policy for this blog. We have a registration statement, after all, so why not a privacy policy? So without further ado, I present to you our shiny new privacy policy:
Notice of Privacy Practices
1. Our Commitment to Your Privacy. We at Concurring Opinions respect your private information deeply, which is why we want to gather and use every last bit of it. By visiting www.concurringopinions.com, you are accepting the practices described in this Privacy Notice. Moreover, even by hearing about this site, thinking about this site, or attempting to forget about this site, you hereby fully consent to everything described hereinafter in this Privacy Notice.
2. Our Promise to You. You hereby agree to be unilaterally bound by all terms stated in this Privacy Notice. However, this Privacy Notice is not binding on us in any way. We reserve the right to change, amend, or revoke this Privacy Notice at any time, without providing notice to you beforehand or in the future. Indeed, our privacy practices may currently be entirely different from those stated herein.
3. The Data We Collect and Share. Concurring Opinions gathers the maximum possible information about you to better understand you and to provide you with the content you so enjoy. We harvest your email addresses, track your IP addresses, and we provide them to numerous commercial data brokers in exchange for further information about you. We construct extensive dossiers about all of our visitors. We use this information to better customize Concurring Opinions so that we can deliver content suited to your interests, hobbies, and needs. We also share your information with our trusted as well as our non-trusted business partners. We do, however, take steps not to sell the data to identity thieves unless they pay us a higher rate. In the event of bankruptcy, we will sell your personal data to the highest bidder.
4. Building Our Relationship With You. We are constantly trying to improve our relationship with you so as to better serve you. We are therefore continuing to develop new ways to gather information about you so that we can know you better. In the future, we reserve the right to require you to install a web surveillance camera on your computer at your own expense so we can observe how you interact with this site.
5. Law Enforcement Access. We here at Concurring Opinions are committed to helping keep America safe from terrorism, and we will therefore provide your personal information to the FBI and to other law enforcement agencies. Information about visitors who post comments we disagree with will be supplied to the FBI and TSA, and their names will be placed on the No Fly List. On occasion, a few visitors to this site may be secretly arrested and detained indefinitely without regular due process rights.
6. Your Privacy Choices. We here at Concurring Opinions are committed to your having a choice about your privacy. You can opt out of a very limited array of our uses and disclosures of your information by calling 1-900-PRIVATE. You will be charged a nominal fee of $9.95 per minute. We will need your Social Security number, date of birth, mother’s maiden name, and a complete listing of your friends and acquaintances in order to be able to process your opt out request. To ensure that you are really want to opt out from our uses of information, which are primarily done for your benefit, we will require you to successfully answer ten riddles of varying complexity. We may, without advance notice, occasionally switch back your opt out preferences to the default of opt in since we cannot think of any rational reason why you would want to opt out. However, if you nevertheless irrationally persist in rejecting all the great benefits we are providing for you, we will gracefully permit you to renew your opt out preferences by going through the above procedures again.
7. Our Security Practices. Concurring Opinions cares deeply about the security of your information. We do not employ any kind of technology to keep your information secure, but our concern about security remains unwavering. We prevent your data from being improperly accessed by giving it out to nearly everyone who requests it. Accordingly, by widely granting access to your data, we make it difficult for access to ever be improper. In the rare occasion of improper access to your personal information, the only harm is to us, as we are unable to collect payment for giving out your data. If we suffer a security breach, you will not be notified, as we would not want to cause you any anxiety and worry. We encourage you to check your credit reports and to shred all your documents. Any identity theft or other harms resulting from a breach of the security of your personal information will be solely your fault, and if you were to become so victimized, we would urge you to feel really bad about yourself.
October 7, 2005 at 12:28 am
Posted in: Humor, Privacy, Privacy (Consumer Privacy)
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Responses (5)
Emergent Chaos - October 7, 2005 at 10:33 am
Concurring Opinions Has a Privacy Policy
Daniel Solove and company have launched a new blog, “Concurring Opinions.” Today, they posted their privacy policy. I think they’ll be sued shortly by Experian, for copyright infringement….
Kate Rears - October 7, 2005 at 2:47 pm
Considering my employer, I now feel very, very dirty.
Eric Goldman - October 9, 2005 at 10:58 pm
This shows the hard part of satire online–I’ve certainly agreed to worse terms for lesser value…
Eric.
Chris Hoofnagle - October 11, 2005 at 1:53 am
Dan, you discussed trusted and untrusted partners, but what about concurringopinions.com’s “family” of corporations? Do they get a piece of our data too? Who gets it in case of divorce?
Emergent Chaos - October 24, 2005 at 5:21 pm
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